Blake Schwendiman's Blog and Blook

In the mid 1980’s the High School Graduation requirement for Madison High in the area of Physical Education was two semesters. Being in the physical shape I was at the time, any PE class was a nightmare for me. I was also born with the dexterity and coordination of a land manatee, so participating in group sports had no appeal whatsoever. Fortunately there were two classes that would fill the graduation requirement that I felt would provide me with the least opportunity for embarrassment: social dance (which naturally included a segment on bowling) and swim class.

Swim class was for the most part a fantastic choice. Swimming is generally a non-contact, non-team sport. It was perfect for me. Each day the class would board a bus to the Rexburg Sports and Fitness Club, quickly change into appropriate swimming attire, then swim laps, lounge in the hot tub and perform other swimming-related activities. It was not a learn-to-swim class, but a fulfill-a-PE-requirement class. The only requirement that I can recall was that by the end of the semester we would have to swim twenty laps under a certain time.

The day of the test arrived. Being in the fine physical shape I was, I completed the laps in just barely under the maximum time allotted and nearly last in the class. I was thrilled. But I was exhausted. There were only a few minutes remaining in class time, but I decided the best course of action would be to relax for a moment in the hot tub.

I have often wondered why human life doesn’t come with a standard list of guidelines in a handy pocket reference. If there were such a book, I’m sure one of the entries would be:

Bad Ideas Related to Hot Tubs: Using a hot tub to relax can be a refreshing way to wind down at the end of the day. However, it should be noted that extensive periods of bathing in a hot tub can be disadvantageous. One should never bathe for extended periods of time or immediately following strenuous exercise as the heated water will eventually cause all of the blood in the human body to collect in the feet and legs, leaving the brain in an oxygen-deprived state.

I had no such information, so when the time came to rush off to clothe and return to the bus, my upper body apparently contained little or no blood whatsoever. Never having had the experience before, I was entirely unaccustomed to the sensations that were about to follow.

I was able to make my way safely into the men’s lockers and through the showers. As I donned my briefs, however, I was beginning to feel a bit nauseated. I had barely pulled my pants up when I decided that I had contracted some rare twenty-four second flu virus and would need to go home.

Let me pause to describe the sensations of having nearly no blood in the brain (passing out). First, rational thought becomes impossible. The body reverts to a very simplistic command set. Second, sight and hearing become impaired. Depending on the severity of the condition, sight and hearing may cease to exist at all.

At the time that I decided to make a call home that I was sick, I was in the earliest stages of passing out. I had pulled my pants over my briefs but I was entirely unable to figure out how to use a zipper or a button at that point. I walked out to the main desk of the club, shoeless, shirtless and near vomiting. There was a vague humming in my ears and the room seemed dark, but I eventually found the clerk and asked to use the phone.

The clerk indicated that I could use the phone. I asked where it might be found. The clerk stared at me for what felt like a very, very long time and I could see the puzzled look in her eyes as she told me that the phone was on the desk right in front of me. I looked down and thanked her, then for no reason I turned and walked away from the phone.

There was a large glass display case on the opposite wall that contained trophies and ribbons of some sort. I walked toward that wall as the last remnants of reality slipped away. I remember hearing the crash that occurred when I hit the wall.

Have you ever had that dream where you find yourself at school wearing nothing but your underwear? The good thing about the dream is that when you wake up, you realize that it is a dream. In my case, I was having a nice, quiet oxygen-deprived nap and a perfectly wonderful dream. When I awoke, I found myself in a frightful place with twenty or thirty of my classmates staring at me. I was there, pants undone, praying that this reality was just a nightmare inside a dream and it was clear that I had (once again) underestimated the opportunity for embarrassment in a situation.

I called home sick.