Blake Schwendiman's Blog and Blook

According to Google, there are in the neighborhood of 165,000 web pages and documents referring to Grape Nuts™, the satisfyingly crunchy wheat and barley breakfast cereal (available at Amazon.com). Grape Nuts web information ranges from the history of the product to recipes for health bars and the famous Grape Nuts pudding. Mmmmm.

Surprisingly however, there seems to be neither a single web page nor even a paragraph describing Grape Nuts consumption safety. This point I hope to rectify while additionally providing a brief warning about the potential side effects of rapid Grape Nuts consumption.

First, I must point out that I am merely an observer and not a direct participant in the following incident. Some fine details may be lacking, but the fundamentals of the narrative are accurate. Additionally I must point out that I love Grape Nuts and hope that this incident does not dissuade anyone from trying it.

In high school, it was the tradition of my brothers and I to remain in bed until the last possible moment while still allowing sufficient time for showering, dressing (see this story for a description of my wardrobe at the time) and breakfasting. Breakfast itself was normally an overflowing bowl of cereal with milk.

Many cereals are perfectly suited for rapid mass consumption because of their properties. Consider any puffed wheat or corn cereal. Because these cereals have been artificially puffed using the well-known process developed by Dr. Alexander P. Anderson of New York City in 1902, the cereal is already inflated beyond its natural size and tends to collapse in any liquid.

Grape Nuts, however, is created using what I assume to be a highly secretive process that condenses massive amounts of food matter into tiny tasty nuggets. The only known side effect of the process is that the nuggets expand exponentially when submersed in liquids. Once that effect is properly understood, the consumer can judge the proper amount of Grape Nuts required to fill oneself. For the novice cereal consumer, apply the following general rule of thumb: one heaping tablespoon of Grape Nuts combined with one cup of milk can expand to fill a normal-sized breakfast bowl to the brim (this may be a slight exaggeration, but I suggest starting small and working up).

It is also recommended that one consume Grape Nuts only after allowing them to absorb some milk (or your liquid of preference). Some recommendations are to allow soaking for fifteen minutes. I prefer five, but then recommend eating slowly.

For those inclined to ignore this warning, please continue reading the following incident and consider carefully any variance from the aforementioned suggestions.

My brother, Ryan, had become rushed in his efforts to ensure that he would arrive at the morning bus stop and hurriedly passed through the kitchen for his morning cereal. In his haste, he over-estimated the amount of Grape Nuts he would need and proceeded to eat them without the adequate soaking time. In less than a few minutes he had consumed a brimming bowl of unsoaked Grape Nuts with milk and then quickly made his way to the bus.

Being about fifteen years old and striving to solidify a tough-guy image, he took a seat at the back of the bus and settled into a menacing stare for the duration of the ride to school. His presence kept anyone from considering sitting beside him for nearly the entire route, but near the end there were no remaining seats save the one adjacent to him. The unfortunate boy that was forced to take that seat was no more than seven or eight years old. He was timid and shy, but as he had been left with no other options, he sat meekly next to Ryan and quietly pretended to be invisible. Ryan’s visage had turned from a distanced menace to an agonized grimace due to the rapid expansion of Grape Nuts in his stomach, but to a young boy both were equally unpleasant.

Ryan is not now and never actually has been an unpleasant person. He recognized how uncomfortable his new seat-mate was at the time and decided to offer a welcome in the traditional method of all teenage boys: a large burp. To a teenage boy, a large rousing burp signifies many things: “thank you for the fine meal”, “I appreciate your hospitality”, and in this case, “welcome to the brotherhood of man, please make yourself comfortable”.

In an unfortunate collision of bad timing, over-eagerness to express welcome and the final expansion of Grape Nuts, when Ryan opened his mouth to force out his gastronomical welcome he was surprised to find that not only did gas escape his mouth but also came approximately seventy-five percent of his rushed breakfast.

Not understanding that the intent of the message was a sincere welcome, the young boy, startled, wept as he made his way to another seat on the bus where he could find acceptance. Ryan, also startled, unable to find adequate vocabulary to express his own confusion simply returned to his posture of a disinterested teen.